Individual Counselling

In-House, by Phone or
Skype Sessions - 50mins
Cost: $145

Phone 1300 830 552
to enquire or make an appointment.

Private Health Insurance
Rebates apply, and Medicare
Rebates may apply
(please check for details)

How relationship problems develop

No-one comes out of their childhood totally equipped for a close one-on-one love relationship.  Most people find that their relationship evolves through a number of very different stages. Working our way through these stages can provide tremendous opportunity for growth for each of us.

In summary, these stages are:

1.Symbiosis/ Bonding: “We are a Couple”

 This involves enjoying time together, forming a strong couples bond, and finding shared values and areas of compatibility. This stage is called the limerance stage, as you often feel that your new partner can do no wrong and many of your boundaries are merged.

2. Differentiation: "We are different”

This is an essential foundation for all the later stages.It consists of expressing your individual desires,     understanding how partner is truly different from you, developing ways to successfully manage differences and to resolve conflicts, and increasing tolerance for ambiguity and managing anxiety. This is the stage where problems start to be experienced for most people.

3. Practicing:  "I like my independence” 

In this stage, each of you spend time developing a strong personal identity apart from the relationship, enjoying your career, hobbies, and separate friendships. Negotiating this stage can also create problems.

4. Rapprochement: “Moving closer, moving away 

This is considered an advanced stage of relationship development and involves each of you solidifying your ability to move closer and apart. It involves spending more time together again, deepening your sexual connection and developing security in allowing your partner to make decisions for you.

It also includes giving to your partner even when it is inconvenient, and shifting back to the relationship for more intimacy and emotional sustenance.

5.Synergy: “One plus one is greater that two”

This final stage of relationship development involves integrating intimacy into your ongoing life and sexuality, and committing to joint projects or work together using the developing synergy.

Life together has an ease and joy about it. Problems that come up are worked through reasonably quickly and you move on to bigger and better things.

So, how do we navigate through to this end stage of our relationship development, and what are the factors in how things go wrong?

Lets look at the 4 major factors involved:

1. Your relationship with yourself.

Interestingly, your relationship with your partner has more to do with your relationship with yourself than anything else. That doesn’t mean how self centred or selfish you are. It refers to your level of self esteem, solid sense of self, or differentiation.

How do you know if you have a good relationship with yourself, or are psychologically mature?

• You have a clear and solid sense of yourself (you change your beliefs from within, not by coercion)
• You are responsible for yourself, your life, and your emotions (you are not a victim)
• You know your boundaries and you don’t let your partner violate them and control you in any way
• You are aware of, and let go of, any controlling, manipulating or coercion of your partner.
• You let go of expecting your partner to meet all your emotional needs ( your narcissism)
• You know what you need and can take care of your own needs
• You know what you want in your relationship.
• You know what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationship.
• You hold dear and take a stand for what you want
• You are aware of your emotions and take responsibility for them
• You don’t argue or over-react.
• You are willing to tolerate discomfort for growth

The better the relationship you can develop with yourself, the more you can love your partner, and the more passionate and desiring you are of him/her. This is desire out of fullness, rather than out of need. 

And in your relationship:

• You love and respect your partner as different from you
• You openly share how you think and feel (even if he/she doesn’t validate you)
• You listen and want to understand your partner
• You want to share your life with your partner
• You see your partner for who he/she is.
• You desire your partner sexually out of fullness, rather than need
• You feel free to be yourself with your partner

Most people have not developed a good relationship with themselves.

The more insecure you are in yourself, the more you are going to want to either control your partner (which naturally causes conflict), or let your partner control you (which causes resentment, or “getting back”).

This is the single biggest factor in relationship, intimacy and sexual problems.

So a large part of making your relationship happy, vibrant and intimate is being able to recognize either when you are being controlling, (and decide to let go of that behaviour), or when you are  allowing yourself to be controlled against your wishes, (and decide to stand up for yourself).

A most common occasion that we exert control over our partner is in our communication. You might like to check, which of the following ways has your communication been controlling lately?

• Pressure to change – tell partner that he/she is wrong/how to behave or my way is the right way
• Attacks, put downs, criticisms
• Annihilate, unsettle, undermine, deliberately confuse
• Frighten with displays of anger and rage
• Blame and complain
• Ask for something and expect to get
• Manipulate through guilt
• Rescue, fix, sooth
• Judge
• Be dismissive
• Give with strings attached
• Be arrogant and contemptuous
• Be pushy
• Use threats

 Or the more subtle ones:

• Withdraw
• Shut down
• Reject
• Be precious, over-react
• Be stubborn
• Procrastinate

 To have the best relationship you can have with yourself, you can ask yourself:

• Am I prepared to stop my controlling ways?
• What ways am I being controlled by my partner? Is he/she prepared to stop them?
• How do I “get my partner back” for his/her controlling me?
• To what extent am I looking after my own needs?
• What would I like to be different in our relationship?
• Am I closing down sexually? If so, why?

If you would like some help in exploring these aspects of your relationship, please click here for help for couples,

or click here if you would like help for yourself.

2. Your Personality Type

Understanding your personality type in more depth can give you a huge insight into how you are contributing to the problems you are experiencing. I have found the Enneagram with its 9 types offers both a brief and in-depth insight into your strengths and also your limitations. Also, how you are either trying to control your partner, or allowing yourself to be controlled, as well as a personal growth path for overcoming your limitations, and reaching your fullest potential as an individual. You can also start to understand your partner in a whole new way.

To learn more about each of the 9 personality types, check out the free article “How do I contribute to our problems”

If you’d like to understand more about both your personality and your partner’s and how they interact, and how you can bring out the best in each other, please book in for a counselling session and ask to learn about your Enneagram Types. 

3. Knowing and managing your emotions and Communication.

All poor communication is created because very few people really know what’s going on inside them emotionally. This lack of awareness unwittingly leads you to acting out defensive patterns on your partner and others. So it can be hugely helpful to become more aware of, and manage well, your emotions, sharing them with your partner when appropriate.

We have developed a simple process which can have you managing your inner states and communicating well with your partner with just a little practice which we can show you in your counselling sessions.

4. The Masculine/Feminine difference.

It’s the subject of more jokes than any other topic. It is true that, in many ways, the male and female brain are wired differently, and we can be thankful of that because the magnetic attraction you feel for each other gives your relationship juice and vibrancy, along with bringing a breadth to your relationship.

Actually, we all have some masculine and feminine in us, but most people find that, in essence, they are predominately one or the other.

Here are some of the differences:

An essential part of making your relationship work well is to honour, value and understand the inherent differences and gifts we each can bring to the relationship, rather than judge and devalue them.

It is a smart man who appreciates the beauty, love and rich emotional life his wife brings into his life, and a wise woman who appreciates the strength, direction and protection her man so willingly gives her.

Why put in the effort?

Through your continued efforts in working through your relationship problems and conflicts, you grow your own psychological maturity.

If both of you can do this, you can develop a relationship with your partner of true equality, mutual respect, equal energy exchange and input, and equal willingness to grow, where renewed romance, intimacy and playful sexuality abound.

Couples who have achieved this kind of relationship overwhelmingly feel that it was well worth the ride to get there.

The fact that you have taken the time to understand and address your relationship issues, and along with a willingness to try new things, means that you have a high chance of successfully re-creating your relationship anew, and often one that is better than you have ever had before.

It is our privilege to help you in your process.

Julie Hart